Sunday, March 29, 2009

Did you ever have any regulars? What do you think about dancer drinks?

Two slimy middle aged brothers used to come in every weekend coked out of their minds, and unfortunately, they took a liking to me. They'd follow me around the club, and like an idiot I'd engage them in a conversation because I wanted to figure out their story. One was a stocky, beady-eyed insurance broker from the Valley, and the other looked like Al Pacino in "Cruising", with a leather vest sans shirt and everything. They'd obviously been frequenting the club for years, because they knew all of the bartenders and most of the strippers well. After awhile, they really started to get on my nerves so I would hide in the dressing room when I saw them walk in. Once they invited me back to their condo (they lived together, ick), and I realized how much they reminded me of Kenneth Bianchi and Angelo Buono. They probably had a pile of dead hookers in a public storage somewhere in Van Nuys.

We didn't have a dancer drink system at our club, but I'm familiar with the routine. A few years ago I went out to a total dive strip club on the East Coast, and was totally conned by one of the older dancers that worked there. My friends and I were pretty trashed by the time we sat down at the bar, and she took a seat next to me and started telling me about her husband's upcoming parole hearing. Ten minutes later, she was pouring me a glass of champagne, which at the time I thought, "Aw, this nice old lady is buying me a drink". Then she hands me a bill for a $25 bottle service. I really chewed her out for it, but of course, she didn't give a shit. Later I watched her beg a patron for a dollar while she was onstage. Needless to say, she was way too old to be taking her clothes off for a living.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Did you ever notice that more effort equaled more tips?

More effort usually equals more tips. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls make next to nothing during a stage dance because they looked like they were totally bored. The crowds are always suckers for pole tricks. The more thought put into a routine equals a massive amount of tips.

The less talented/motivated dancers will usually find another club to work in - especially if their co-workers put a lot of time and energy into their routines. There are lots of clubs that will hire the dregs of the stripping world.

I never learned any pole tricks. I'm still in awe when I see them now.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Did you notice a trend in girls either not being able to drive?

The whole inability to drive was definitely common at the club I worked at. Most of the girls were irresponsible with their money. They'd spend a week's income on a handbag and a new wardrobe, and would struggle to make their rent that month. Many of them had DUI's, so their licenses were suspended. I think I was one of a few who could drive legally.

You mentioned something earlier about woman haters. Can you elaborate, and did you see that sort of thing a lot?

Oh yeah, the women haters were always a treat. There's nothing more unsettling than looking into some dude's eyes and seeing no emotion whatsoever. Most of them were rage cases who were thrown out pretty quickly. Since I spent most of my time in between songs at the bar, I had conversations with many guys about their mothers. It would almost always come up randomly, and their aggression was always obvious. Unless you're a random guy out with his friends for the night (or even alone, drunk once in awhile), it's safe to assume most of the regulars have some serious issues with women. I know this sounds totally off the wall, but I think I may have actually prevented some of the customers I spoke with from doing some serious damage to a woman later that night. Some of them just need someone to listen to them.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What was your view on the customers?

Before I worked as a stripper, I knew that all strip clubs had an unsavory customer or two, so it never shocked me when I ran into a total creep. I guess I was always blown away by how many regulars there were. Some guys would come in every night for weeks, and blow hundreds of dollars on lap dances. I suppose a common argument would be, why not save your money and stay home and jerk off? I think part of the appeal for many of the repeat customers was the female companionship and the degradation of the girls. There's also obviously an element of excitement. Some of them were simply voyeuristic, and enjoyed watching other guys get lap dances.

Now that I no longer strip, visiting a strip club is always a little odd. I know what kind of shit the girls put up with so my empathy level always rises. Some people like to call strippers lazy, but honestly, it's a really difficult job even when you're ingesting whatever booze/drugs you can to numb yourself.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What were the bouncers like?

We had three bouncers. One was an ecstasy/coke dealer who conducted most of his business in front of the club, which is pretty fucking stupid in my opinion. You're essentially asking for a rotten element to show up at your club and start trouble. The other two were brothers from the Ukraine with limited social skills and biceps the size of my torso. Though they could totally beat you into a pulp, their reflex time was a little slow so you generally had to pester them a few times to get anyone thrown out.

Did you ever work-out a scam to get these dopes to handover more cash?

I never ran any scams, but many of the girls I worked with did. One popular routine involved opening up to a customer about whatever fake problems they were having at the time; (Car was impounded, kicked out of apartment, etc.), and forcing a few tears. Some of the customers would fall prey to it, and eventually pay for twice as many lap dances and drinks, or just hand them cash to help out. I think some of the guys who frequented the club and had their favorite girls probably viewed themselves as gallant knights "saving" these girls from hardship. Little did they know, at the end of the night they'd be cackling like witches about how much money they'd conned that night. It was pretty disgusting.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What percentage of girls claimed to enjoy being a stripper and how many actually do?

I imagine many girls who strip for a living feel the need to justify their decision. It sounds like your ex feels a bit self-conscious about her job. The girls I worked with seemed to all have issues with their self esteem, which obviously led to doing massive quantities of drugs as well. I've thought a lot about the reasons I chose to infiltrate the industry, and I also don't necessarily have the greatest self image, which is weird. You'd think narcissism would go hand in hand with taking your clothes off in front of strangers.

Monday, March 23, 2009

How was the dressing room at the strip club you were at?

The dressing room was pretty lackluster. A vanity counter ran along one side of the room. Light bulbs were busted, and never replaced. The opposite wall was covered with about a dozen lockers, which were only used by the veteran strippers. On my first day I put my bag into one of the lockers, and one of the older strippers went ballistic. After that, I stuffed everything behind a lounge chair and hoped none of the psychos I worked with would rip me off. There were never enough mirrors or couches to relax. The dressing room was always chaotic, and I tried to avoid it.

The owner was an old Italian with a toupee. When he first opened the club, I'm sure he was boning every new girl who walked in. While I was there, I rarely saw him. I'm pretty sure now that he was running something in the back of the club. I don't know if it was drugs or gambling, but by the time I arrived he had obviously stopped caring about the front of the house a long time ago. A few of the girls I worked with would take breaks in his office, but I'm pretty sure they were just doing lines.

Management never discussed pubic hair length with us. I did watch a girl give herself a Brazilian in the dressing room once though.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

What was the most nauseatingly overplayed song?

I didn't work with the most original bunch. I had to listen to strip club standards like, "Paradise City" and "You Shook Me All Night Long" frequently enough to make me want to jump out a window. The absolute worst was having to sit through a seven minute Tool song while one of the strippers writhed around on the floor. That was always pretty excruciating. One of the girls used to dance to a recording of herself singing "Paint It Black". She taped it on her karaoke machine. It was depressing.

I always looked forward to working with the black girls though. They'd show up at the club, ignore everyone and climb on stage just to dance to a twelve minute booty bass track their cousin in Florida hastily threw together after getting out of the penitentiary a few months prior.

My favorite customer was a 75 year old black dude who used to come in on a busy Friday night, order a daiquiri at the bar, and spend the next few hours reading the newspaper. I never once saw him accept a lap dance or tip a girl. I think he was just really lonely.

My least favorite customer was always any guy who would taunt you with a dollar. I still see them when I visit strip clubs now. There's nothing more obnoxious to a stripper than a customer who won't drop a dollar on the stage.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

What was the grossest thing you witnessed during this time?

The carpeting in the club was the grossest. It was installed in the 80's, and had never been steam cleaned. It had a neon psychedelic pattern with an inch of dirt, cigarette ashes and whatever dried bodily fluids has collected on it throughout the years. Girls developed staph infections frequently if they gave a lot of lap dances.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Do any of the girls turn tricks on the side? Also, what type of stripper are you?

I think a trick or two was definitely turned while I was there. It wasn't rampant like some clubs I've been to. A few of the nastier strippers I worked with had an ongoing uh, business arrangement with some of the washed up middle-aged ex-rock star dudes who used to come in and try to recapture their glory years, or whatever. Since you seem to have a pretty good understanding of the different types of strippers, the ones I'm referring to were totally vacant, peroxide blonds with fake tans and shitty tattoos of like, flaming dream catchers and dragons. Their favorite bands are Motley Crue (still) and Kid Rock, and they would embarrass you if you went anywhere in public with them.

As far as categories go, I wouldn't know where I'd put myself. I've definitely never seen anyone like me in all of the clubs I've visited. Let me think about this a bit more.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

What kind of training was there?

There was no training. The night I met the owner and signed the paperwork I was asked to dance. After spending so much time in strip clubs, I was pretty cocky about my perceived ability. Once you're on stage for the first time, it's a totally different story. I'm sure I really sucked.

After a week or so, I had a routine down. I'd usually grind next to a pole to an Al Green song, and the crowd responded favorably. I never learned any complicated pole tricks, though I always wanted to.

When it came to club requirements, the one I worked at had an extremely relaxed customer satisfaction policy. None of the girls were forced to do anything they were uncomfortable with. With that said, a lot went on behind the owner's back because he was so hands off.

We were all expected to give lap dances, but I was pretty good as disappearing near the bar between songs. No one really cared, and the girls I worked with definitely didn't mind, since it meant less competition. I initially wanted to work there just to observe people, so I didn't mind if I was missing out on $20 I would've made writhing all over some mouth breather.

As far as perks go, my drinks were always free.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Did you worry about people you knew coming in and seeing you or were you fairly open about it?

Once I decided to go through with it, I told all of my friends about it and even suggested that they come in and watch me make a fool of myself. In the beginning, I thought it was pretty hilarious that I was actually working as a stripper. I guess if you knew my personality, you'd understand why I thought this was so funny.

A group of friends came in on a Saturday night once, completely drunk. It was really fun. They all tipped me generously and I gave four of them a lap dance at once (I count this as one of the three lap dances I ever gave).

For how many hours of work? I always thought strippers were supposed to make reams of money.

I'd work anywhere from 3-9 hours, depending on the night. To me, $600 in one evening is a lot of money. You also have to keep in mind that I wasn't giving lap dances. Strippers who make "reams" of money are generally really good at talking guys into private dances. If you're giving back to back lap dances on a busy weekend night, you're usually walking home with a massive amount. I didn't feel entirely comfortable with it, so I usually drank at the bar in between songs.

Most strippers won't admit it, but there are definitely nights where you will make less than minimum wage. Sometimes the customers just don't come in.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Were their ever any fights/cops called out?

While I was there, there wasn't a single fight between customers. The strippers were a different story. I've never seen conflicts between women like the ones I saw at this club. There were usually a few arguments a night. They'd range from "who stole my tweezers"? to "that was MY lap dance". They always erupted into a physical confrontation. None of the girls I worked with were rational, and EVERYTHING was blown out of proportion. The DJ was always responsible for breaking up the fights, and I could tell that he absolutely hated his job.

As far as the police go, a few off duty cops were regulars. Occasionally a few guys from vice would show up to make sure we weren't doing anything illegal, but you could always tell who worked in law enforcement.

When on their period do strippers leave their tampons in for their pole dancing and lap dances or do you get the day off?

I worked at a topless joint, but I've never seen a girl with a tampon string hanging out at a full nude bar. I assume they take a few days off if they're on their period.

I worked when I was on my period. You can cut the tampon string off, so it doesn't fall out of your hot pants/g-string/whatever.

Monday, March 16, 2009

What's the routine and how long does it take to get into stripper mode? Like doing hair, make-up, spritzing perfume, shaving strange places.

Some girls would show up three hours before the club opened to prepare in the dressing room. The vanity tables were usually covered with straightening irons, curlers, make-up, g-strings, packs of cigarettes, beer bottles, and lotion by the time I arrived. I'd always shower and do my makeup at home to avoid the dressing room as much as possible.

I learned all sorts of weird stripper beauty secrets during the first few weeks. Ever wonder why they always tend to smell like baby powder? Some add half a bottle of baby oil to their bathwater when they're bathing.

They also seem to have a fixation on packing all of their individual outfits into Ziploc bags stuffed with Snuggle dryer sheets. I was told by one of them that it keeps their outfits fresh in between costume changes. I always thought the smell was nauseating.

I would usually only have an hour to get ready once I got home from my first job. That hour usually consisted of shaving. You really have to make sure you aren't hairy.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Did you enjoy it when guys got erections when you gave them lap dances?

Like I said, I only gave a few lap dances while I was working there. Unless you're a complete dog with really bad B.O., most guys will have a boner by the end of the dance. I guess it's a compliment? It means you're doing something right, I suppose.

How much did you/do you make doing this?


The most I made in one night was $600. On a shitty night, after tipping the DJ and bartender (really), I'd walk with $50.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Why did you go to strip clubs as a patron?

Honestly, I really love looking at naked girls. Obviously I also enjoy the seediness, and I'm endlessly fascinated by the costume choices and music selections. My favorite type of clubs are rarely upscale.

I was dating a guy casually while I was stripping, but nothing serious. I'm married now.

Friday, March 13, 2009

can strippers tell when a guy comes in their pants during a lap dance?

I only gave three lap dances while I was there, and it's because I never tried to "hook" a customer. The first one was a 25 year old virgin who approached me. He smelled like a pepperoni pizza, and I'm pretty sure he came in his pants because he ran to the bathroom afterwards.

I heard plenty of horror stories from some of the girls I worked with about guys doing all sorts of gross shit during lap dances. Lots of customers would pull their dicks out and "finish" all over the wall (obviously, a split second before security tossed them out). Stuff like that.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Did you ever have sex with a customer?

Nope, though quite a few of the girls I worked with had multiple boyfriends that frequented the club. I think it was pretty easy for them to get away with it because ultimately, none of the guys really cared enough about them to get jealous.

Did you enjoy the attention, or did it just make you feel like crap at the end of the day?

The first two weeks were hilarious. I didn't really know what I was doing, so when anyone paid any attention to me I'd start cracking up. Especially if the guy had a super serious you're-giving-me-a-boner face while he was looking at me. In retrospect, I realize what a shitty reaction that was since he probably really wanted me to act like I was into him as well. I wish I could've explained to him that it was nerves.

Once I became more familiar with the routine, I became pretty uncomfortable with the attention. Especially when I encountered the occasional deranged woman hating customer. That would always ruin my evening.

How I became a stripper

Two years ago, while maintaining a square 9-5 office job, I began stripping at one of the sleazier bikini bars in Hollywood. The customer base consisted primarily of thoroughly coked out middle-aged Sunset Strip trash, psychotic self-righteous moralists who'd frequently request handjobs, sad sack drunks more interested in controlling their DT's than topless women, and the occasional SSI recipient who'd accidentally wander in and have a conversation with a wall until a bouncer kicked them out.

I'd gone to strip clubs for years before I tried it myself. Since I was fascinated by their inner workings, it made sense at the time to give it a go. I was only at the club for four months, but by the time I walked out it felt like a decade had passed. I'm still not completely sure what compelled me to take it up in the first place. Unlike most of the batshit crazy women I worked with, I didn't come from an abusive household. I didn't have a pathological need for attention. I wasn't addicted to a cornucopia of drugs. Compared to most of the strippers I shared a dressing room with, I was downright puritanical.

I could sit around for days trying to assess the deep rooted psychological issues behind my decision to strip, or I could answer whatever questions you have about the totally non-glamorous world of taking your top off for crumpled dollar bills.
I'll divulge all of the dirty details. The ickier the question, the better.